Swinging and polyamory… maybe too fast?

You know, I am having a lot of fun right now experimenting with a bunch of stuff, but I cannot forget all the pain that remains from memories of my divorce and from other previous relationships that have gone bad.

I was just sitting here thinking about going to the swingers club and exposing myself to this environment consciously. I realized several things –

For one, the intense anxiety I feel over power plays in sex, even though I play around with it myself. I could not figure out why this feeling was coming up and I realized that the feeling of not having a certain level of control totally freaks me out! See – I was raped several years ago by someone I trusted and it scarred me for several years. Just recently I have been able to enjoy sex again openly, and I also fear losing this ability by “reliving” the feeling of loss of control.  In fact, I even get weirded out by my partner controlling someone during sex… I get a negative feeling based on another woman feeling a loss of control too.

I have also experienced some fear out of dipping my toes into the swinging scene already. I thought all day about why this was bothering me and where these feelings were coming from. I realized that it isn’t that I would feel jealousy necessarily, but that I have not yet developed the level of trust in Ouroboros that I need to feel comfortable in placing myself in an even more vulnerable situation. It is not that I fear he would leave me – If he did, he is not right for me anyhow. It is based on my level of comfort and the process (time) it takes for me to develop levels of trust in someone after situations like my divorce and the rape. The thing is that I don’t think I even know for certain that he would not pressure me into a lifestyle I was not yet ready for. This is a big red flag that I am not even ready to dip my toes in.

I hate coming to these realizations. But I have to remember how good it feels to stay true to yourself and to not do things like this for other people! I genuinely want to explore different relationship paradigms with him, but I need to do it at a pace that works for me. If I don’t I am selling myself short and not acting on those powerful intuitive feelings I am trying to redevelop.  I want my relationships to be based on honesty, and a big part of that is simply being honest with myself.

Any thoughts?

Divorce, pt 1.

I am divorced. I was only 27 after an 8 year long relationship. Due to how this relationship ended I have been forced to think intimately about what it is I want in life and what I want from a relationship, or even if I want any romantic ones at all. It has been incredibly confusing for me, and I struggle everyday with self doubt and trying to erase the sense of insecurity I felt after that relationship ended. It didn’t realize it for a while, but the relationship was abusive and I put up with it. I also wanted so desperately to follow some sort of imaginary timeline I had in my mind for how my life was supposed to play out. Due to this I forced myself into marriage. I was proposed by him throwing the ring in my face after an argument about how I didn’t feel he really cared about me. I have never told anyone about that night, and made up stories to my friends and loved ones regarding my “proposal”. It was hideous, and I don’t know if I forgive myself for putting up with it. I have forgiven him, however. I know that everyone is human and makes mistakes, and sometimes I wonder if he was just going through the same thing I was. One thing I have realized is that whatever it is that I am or am not “looking for” it does not involved emotional abuse. It involves someone respecting me, caring for me, being there for me to talk to, and loving me – however short lived that is. I just want it to be genuine. So, I am no longer going to place rules on my life of how it “should” play out. I realize that I can find what it is I am looking for outside of the confines of my previously defined boundaries. It doesn’t matter to me anymore what shape it takes, so long as I know I FEEL respected, and loved. I haven’t felt it yet, but I know if I do, I will take notice.