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So I met with *him* last night to discuss what was going to happen with this relationship. There are so many things to talk about (safe sex, how we would handle relationships with other people, what kind of disclosure we wanted…) that I wanted to start with something simple and basic. I decided that I would like to explore this with him because I have so many questions that I would like answered about love and relationships, and this path might lead me to them. Fo example: What is real love? Is it the acceptance of someone to the point that no matter what you cherish that they are happy? Is love truly the essence of freedom? Or is ownership indicative of love? Also, how is trust borne? I have learned that for me, trust must be earned over time, slowly, through actions. How can I enter into an open relationship with someone that I care for, yet do not fully trust, without an intense fear of being hurt and even seeing it coming… Like jumping off of a cliff and watching death quickly approach as the ground gets closer.
So, I asked him if he would consider being exclusive with me for a short period of time to allow this trust to build, and to maintain our friendship and the integrity of our relationship. Also, so that we would have time to have all of these conversations, and the time to process them. This could eliminate the problem of making assumptions and unknowingly stepping on someones toes and hurting them, possibly irreversibly damaging thier respect for you or for the relationship.
Before he answered I said that he could take his time to think about it and get back to me. After all, it is more important for me to feel respected, and to be sure and confident in myself and my actions, than to go into this blindly and catastrophically.
Now I wait.
This is all compounded by the fact that he has feelings for an old friend of his… and I have feelings for someone. Both of these people live outside of driving distance from here. I am trying to be fair, and yet I still feel hurt about this new development. Thus, all my jumbled thoughts today about love.
I will keep you posted on what happens. For now, I am giving him the space and time he needs.
