How do you “discover” you are Poly?

I am almost back from my trip to the Caribbean and have had about a month to think about my relationship with O and my stance on it at this moment.

A few dynamics have changed – I met another guy, J, who I can say I was genuinly taken aback by. He was friendly, open, and passionate. All traits that I find incredibly attractive. I know he likes me too.

After O and I began opening our relationship, he made out with a couple of women within a few days of each other. I think he was excited about the possibility, and jumped right in, so to speak.

I have had a mix of emotions centered around this, mostly comprised of jealousy and envy.

1) I felt a twinge of jealousy about it, but really it did not last for long – only a few minutes really.

2) I am still envious. I want that too! I want to experience making out with another hot guy, if this is the format of our relationship. I want to take advantage of it, god dammit.

However, I have not… It is starting to bother me a bit. I never before have had any problem finding people to have fun with. I am not sure what it is that is contributing to this now. I have a feeling it is just that O is around. It is like I am guarded from other men. Most of the time I am out, I am with him. So, if I wish to make this happen, I need to spend some time out on my own or only with girlfriends.

I also have high standards… For the makeout session, I already have a kind and giving boyfriend, so I just want to find hotties.  Hotties, that are not, only 20 years old. This is difficult in a small college town.

I question, however, the motivation for this. Is it wrong if I just want this so that O can empathize with how I feel?I am open to trying new things…

How do you “discover” that you are Poly, when you never considered it before?!

Acting on feelings?

Ouroboros knows about this guy. J has met O, but he is not aware of the details of our relationship. J and I have been hanging out with increasing frequency, and I seriously just want to f**k him. I think to myself – this is BAD. But it feels so GOOD!!!! WHAT DO I DO?

Ack. I have always said to myself that I don’t want another boyfriend, but I find myself fantasizing about it from time to time. I know that the fantasy does not include the real issues that come with relationships, blah, blah, blah…

After all this time, of me trying to figure out who I am and what I want, I really think I identify as Poly. I have opened my heart to the possibility, and it makes me excited, and scared.

I have not even had the guts to admit it to anyone I know. They know about the open relationship plans, but not of my discovering my own identity here after myself being completely oblivious to it.

Should I simply continue on the path I am now – Where although I FEEL like something will happen, nothing may? Should I wait until I know if I am poly, in otherwise that this works out? This is the second time I have had feelings for another man while in this relationship with O… I really want to act something out here – somewhat because of curiosity!

I took a long break – now I am back

Hi Everyone.

I took a very long break on this blog. I got very busy with life and my relationship, and to be quite honest tired of writing about it all. That and things with Ouroboros have been going quite well, so I have had little to update on that was full of drama.

Some changes have happened since I last posted:

Ouroboros and I went to Seattle and had a great time. We connected even more, and he met some of my closest friends. I also got to relive some of Seattle that had bad memories for me and redefine them with someone I cared about and who had a positive attitude towards life.

We opened our relationship a notch. After much discussion, I realized that I was feeling more anxiety with out moving forward than I would if I did open the relationship up a bit. The fear of the unknown was overwhelming and I couldn’t take it anymore. We set a date about a month in advance for when he would be away on a business trip when he and I would be allowed to make out with other people. We set up a list of boundaries: In public, no sex, fondling on top of clothes is ok, you don’t need to disclose our relationship unless it comes up, or you want to, etc.

I had a very rough weekend while he was away – partially because I loaded up on work so I could (and HAD TO) stay busy. This only stressed me out!  I realized I was trying so hard to be ok with everything, that I was denying my fear and insecurites. Once I faced them, everything got easier.

That was the beginning of March. When he got back, we talked, and told each other for the first time that we loved each other. It had been over a year since we began “dating” and this decision to express this to each other was thought out for a while.It made it feel very real.

Since then, he has made out with one other woman. I had a moment of jealousy, but It went away quickly. Now I can think about it without any weird twinges or anything negative. This is progress. This is building trust. It is working so far!  One of my favorite blogs is “We Sleep Together” by John Stark. I am secretly (not so secret now) in love with them. I want that to be my open relationship. It is something I have to work towards for us.

I also love Dan Savage. He seems to have a healthy grasp on relationships and sex. Ouroboros listens to him too.

So – Back to making out!

I have not yet had that “chance” to make out with anyone. This is not because I am unattractive, or don’t get hit on when I go out, because I do, ALOT. I think I have been cautious. Not necessarily picky, just wary and careful.

Now – I met someone that I really like. I’ll call him J until I can come up with a better nick name. I absolutely have butterflies when I am with him – that nervous sexual tension that makes you unable to make complete sentences and give awkward hand gestures and exhibit confusing body language.

Wow  to opening up!  More details about this new thing in the next post. Where I will ask some of you for your advice!