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I am almost back from my trip to the Caribbean and have had about a month to think about my relationship with O and my stance on it at this moment.
A few dynamics have changed – I met another guy, J, who I can say I was genuinly taken aback by. He was friendly, open, and passionate. All traits that I find incredibly attractive. I know he likes me too.
After O and I began opening our relationship, he made out with a couple of women within a few days of each other. I think he was excited about the possibility, and jumped right in, so to speak.
I have had a mix of emotions centered around this, mostly comprised of jealousy and envy.
1) I felt a twinge of jealousy about it, but really it did not last for long – only a few minutes really.
2) I am still envious. I want that too! I want to experience making out with another hot guy, if this is the format of our relationship. I want to take advantage of it, god dammit.
However, I have not… It is starting to bother me a bit. I never before have had any problem finding people to have fun with. I am not sure what it is that is contributing to this now. I have a feeling it is just that O is around. It is like I am guarded from other men. Most of the time I am out, I am with him. So, if I wish to make this happen, I need to spend some time out on my own or only with girlfriends.
I also have high standards… For the makeout session, I already have a kind and giving boyfriend, so I just want to find hotties. Hotties, that are not, only 20 years old. This is difficult in a small college town.
I question, however, the motivation for this. Is it wrong if I just want this so that O can empathize with how I feel?I am open to trying new things…
How do you “discover” that you are Poly, when you never considered it before?!
Ouroboros broke an agreement. He kissed the other woman… HE told me that he was not going to pursue anything with anyone. This happened when they went camping last time she visited. I had decided to trust him. It took him 2 and a half weeks to tell me even though there has been ample opportunities. I do not know what to do. In effect, he lied by omission, and broke an agreement. The whole point of this was to build trust in each other and this has been shattered. I am in pain. 
I have been the best girlfriend… I was kind to her and him, trusting, generous with my love, patient, understanding, I listened to him and his stories with compassion, I loved having sex with him and pleasing him… I allowed myself to open up. In return I feel I was not respected and although I care for him, I do not want to be walked all over. What REALLY sucks is that just last weekend I was so happy about how things were going. Apparently it was an illusion.
I know forgiveness is a part of love…. but it does not mean that if I forgive, i will forget… or that I have to put up with this or stay in the relationship.
I am trying to be compassionate while at the same time sticking up for myself.
What would you do here??
I have done alot of reading on this subject and have come to another epiphany. Polyamory is like any other relationship model. I say this because it involves all the good and the bad of any other relationship. Ideally, a good relationship, be it monogamous or polyamorous should involve honesty, care, compassion, communication, respect, appreciation for who each other is as individuals, freedom to be themselves, and growth.
The only difference is the number of people and relationships involved. All relationships are hard, all require work… I do NOT subscribe to the belief that one style is harder than another, or that one style is more “evolved” than another. Because truthfully, I don’t think we are wired to be monogamous and to maintain a happy, healthy monogamous relationship for life is just as spiritual as maintaining a happy polyamorous one.
In monogamy it may be harder to find ways to “keep the spark alive” so you have to be creative. It may be harder to remember that you are individuals and not become codependent. It may be harder to stay emotionally and sexually faithful – but you do it, because when done right, it can be incredibly fulfilling!
In polyamory, it may be harder to make quality time for your lovers and make sure they feel special in your relationship. It may be harder to confront jealousy and feelings of ownership when faced with them head on. It may be harder to develop and maintain a deep, meaningful connection when your life is full with “distraction” or other possibilities.
I still question the path I am taking right now, but I realize that I don’t have to do it forever, that this relationship style itself is not necessarily a recipe for disaster, that I can learn alot by pushing my boundaries a bit while maintaining respect for myself.
Sure, I can probably learn these things and face these challenges in a monogamous relationship. I just think this might be a crash course, and really force me to look at what I think will truly bring me happiness and fulfillment for the long term. Who knows what will happen!?
Maybe I will hate it… maybe I will love it… maybe I will feel neither… Maybe I will just go on with life no longer forcing myself to fit into predefined molds.
To let go and follow my bliss without judgment from myself any longer… with a clearer head and more solid convictions.
