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Ouroboros broke an agreement. He kissed the other woman… HE told me that he was not going to pursue anything with anyone. This happened when they went camping last time she visited. I had decided to trust him. It took him 2 and a half weeks to tell me even though there has been ample opportunities. I do not know what to do. In effect, he lied by omission, and broke an agreement. The whole point of this was to build trust in each other and this has been shattered. I am in pain. 
I have been the best girlfriend… I was kind to her and him, trusting, generous with my love, patient, understanding, I listened to him and his stories with compassion, I loved having sex with him and pleasing him… I allowed myself to open up. In return I feel I was not respected and although I care for him, I do not want to be walked all over. What REALLY sucks is that just last weekend I was so happy about how things were going. Apparently it was an illusion.
I know forgiveness is a part of love…. but it does not mean that if I forgive, i will forget… or that I have to put up with this or stay in the relationship.
I am trying to be compassionate while at the same time sticking up for myself.
What would you do here??
This is from a forum I participate in in response to my fear of the future and my desire for security in relationships. It is great advice. I am posting it so I can read it often.
In another topic in this forum there has been talk about “security” in relation to commitment in loverly relationships. And as I was reading that I was thinking that while seeking certain kinds of “security” in loverly relationships is valid enough, and understandable enough, … well, we humans are typically a fair bit confused as to what sort of security we can or should expect to find in our loverly relationships. What’s realistic?
If already there is “great sex, open communication, friendship, honesty, fun, chemistry, respect… “, “at the moment,” my goodness, there’s about as much legitimate security in that as one could ever hope for! The key is which moment you are in.
The key is what moment you are in.
The key is what moment you are in.
I repeat this because this is the moment, right NOW, here and now, where the seed of the future can be nourished with your own lovingkindness and mindfulness. And the best way to nourish that seed is to let the future go. It’s really none of your business. Rather, the seed of the future (which is now) is your business — along with this infiinite present moment in all of its changes.
The surest way to poison future NOW moments is to wrap the present moment in anxiety about them. This also poisons the now moment. The anxiety that goes along the lines of “What if X leaves me?!” … or “What if X suddenly dies in a firey plane wreck/cancer/meteor shower…? … What does that fear/worry anxiety do? It makes us pull away, contract, … We then fear giving our best or our all to X, because already X is abandoning us, in our imaginations. Our feared imaginings take over and poison the quality our relating with X, and that has an affect — and the affect may be just what we fear most: distance rather than closeness with X!
Yes, the future needs attending to, of course! Yes, planning and thinking of the future is necessary — to some extent, in appropriate and realistic ways. But if it is joy and happiness you want, attend primarily to now. Now is quite obviously all you have in time, the whole of it. The future belongs to itself, along with the past, but your purchase on existence and reality is … right now. And then now again. And — LOOK! — it’s still now.
And now again.
The Relationship Death List
These are the things you have to do to end a relationship with me:
- Lie actively or by omission
- Be emotionally abusive by constantly criticizing me or not supporting my endeavors
- Assume that you are number one in my life. I am.
- Whine about how the world is always out to get you. You are in control of your own happiness.
- Cheat on me or deceive me
- Break relationship agreements and step over my boundaries
- Disrespect me, my family, my friends, or even my cat
- Become stagnant in life and stop improving yourself and our relationship
- Be disrespectful of my time by frequently cancelling plans last minute with no good reason – Or even always assuming me to always be available last minute.
- Rush me or push me in making decisions
These are things I need:
- Love, compassion, caring, respect, loyalty, dependability, kindness, great sex J, time…
- The opposite of the Relationship Death List!
