Divorce, pt 1.

I am divorced. I was only 27 after an 8 year long relationship. Due to how this relationship ended I have been forced to think intimately about what it is I want in life and what I want from a relationship, or even if I want any romantic ones at all. It has been incredibly confusing for me, and I struggle everyday with self doubt and trying to erase the sense of insecurity I felt after that relationship ended. It didn’t realize it for a while, but the relationship was abusive and I put up with it. I also wanted so desperately to follow some sort of imaginary timeline I had in my mind for how my life was supposed to play out. Due to this I forced myself into marriage. I was proposed by him throwing the ring in my face after an argument about how I didn’t feel he really cared about me. I have never told anyone about that night, and made up stories to my friends and loved ones regarding my “proposal”. It was hideous, and I don’t know if I forgive myself for putting up with it. I have forgiven him, however. I know that everyone is human and makes mistakes, and sometimes I wonder if he was just going through the same thing I was. One thing I have realized is that whatever it is that I am or am not “looking for” it does not involved emotional abuse. It involves someone respecting me, caring for me, being there for me to talk to, and loving me – however short lived that is. I just want it to be genuine. So, I am no longer going to place rules on my life of how it “should” play out. I realize that I can find what it is I am looking for outside of the confines of my previously defined boundaries. It doesn’t matter to me anymore what shape it takes, so long as I know I FEEL respected, and loved. I haven’t felt it yet, but I know if I do, I will take notice.

Moments of Clarity

• Driving the truck listening to a rock station REALLY LOUD feeling great! Realized that there is power in feeling that you are worthy regardless of if someone you care for has feelings for someone else. I felt strong, empowered, and very sure of myself.

• Giving the relationship 3 months to see where things go and then to re-evaluate the situation. This gives an end to an otherwise overwhelming and open time line. It also added a layer of comfort to the situation that was not really there before – the question of “what do I do?”

• One of the biggest problems was/ is trying to avoid repeating the same patterns in my past 2 relationships. That is, allowing someone to treat me badly and me putting up with it because I just wanted to be wanted. This stemmed from not feeling worthy enough to be wanted by anyone else. I realize that others want me now, but that isn’t really the point. I still need to be careful to not purposely put myself in negative situations. This involves not allowing people to treat me badly (criticize, lie, or order me around and make me do what I don’t want to do, i.e. be controlling). How can I try to avoid this in this situation? Well, This is what came to me this morning – and it made me feel empowered and strong, and honest with myself: In order to feel like I am not just being used, I have to know him better. This can only come with time. Yes, I am open to the idea of polyamory, but right now do not feel comfortable with it because it is too hard for ME to judge if he really cares about how I feel about things. I realize this is a double edged sword. That is, in order for me to feel comfortable with it, I might need to feel closer to him. Thus, I could end up being more hurt if I find this lifestyle does not work for me. Also he could be more hurt because I feel I will know when and if he does emotionally connect with me and really won’t enter into it unless I feel that. Maybe it is because I want things to be more fair and at the moment I fear I would just be being used.

• Finally, before I start class, the last moment of clarity I can remember that I had was that I already feel pain, fear, etc… But I also know that I am not in love with him. So, it is very strange that I feel this way. Really, all that I can explain is that it must stem from insecurity – and anxiety. Both of which I would like to overcome… regardless of if I follow through with this situation or not.

• My anxiety can at times be overwhelming and it is partly due to that that I am writing this blog. I need something to look back on!

• Sticking to decisions made so I can see how those decisions play out.

• Is it a good thing to do – to declare my needs in the above way? I think so, because I can’t avoid the subject, nor can I lie to myself. Plus I need to stick up for myself and these moments of clarity regardless of where the relationship will lead. My silence is something that led me to be in a relationship that was no good for me. I allowed myself to “put up with things” to avoid conflict and to stay with him… The outcome was not positive.

• Need honesty all around… with me and others.

• I would like to enjoy life as the ride it is, and not for some end goal I create in my mind.

• I need to be able to work on this on my own… or at least with people that understand. It is already hard in itself, without the interrogation of my “helpful, well intending” friends and family.

• In response to the above – that is easier said than done!