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I think about this often. What am I waiting for? Why is it that I want to be exclusive with Ouroboros for a while before opening up our relationship? Why can’t I just do it now? Am I trying to hide behind some wall to escape or never encounter the harsh reality of the situation?
I would say NO.
I need to remind myself of this and post it here so I can read it often. I am doing this because I need to KNOW that I can trust him in a deep level. I need to KNOW that when we go to swingers clubs he will protect me, that he will stay by my side, and he will not abandon me. I need to KNOW that he will practice safe sex. I need to KNOW that he is with me because of who I am, not just because I am someone willing to explore this life with him. I need to KNOW he is genuine.
This is why.
This takes time.
I am being smart, not scared.
You know, I am having a lot of fun right now experimenting with a bunch of stuff, but I cannot forget all the pain that remains from memories of my divorce and from other previous relationships that have gone bad.
I was just sitting here thinking about going to the swingers club and exposing myself to this environment consciously. I realized several things –
For one, the intense anxiety I feel over power plays in sex, even though I play around with it myself. I could not figure out why this feeling was coming up and I realized that the feeling of not having a certain level of control totally freaks me out! See – I was raped several years ago by someone I trusted and it scarred me for several years. Just recently I have been able to enjoy sex again openly, and I also fear losing this ability by “reliving” the feeling of loss of control. In fact, I even get weirded out by my partner controlling someone during sex… I get a negative feeling based on another woman feeling a loss of control too.
I have also experienced some fear out of dipping my toes into the swinging scene already. I thought all day about why this was bothering me and where these feelings were coming from. I realized that it isn’t that I would feel jealousy necessarily, but that I have not yet developed the level of trust in Ouroboros that I need to feel comfortable in placing myself in an even more vulnerable situation. It is not that I fear he would leave me – If he did, he is not right for me anyhow. It is based on my level of comfort and the process (time) it takes for me to develop levels of trust in someone after situations like my divorce and the rape. The thing is that I don’t think I even know for certain that he would not pressure me into a lifestyle I was not yet ready for. This is a big red flag that I am not even ready to dip my toes in.
I hate coming to these realizations. But I have to remember how good it feels to stay true to yourself and to not do things like this for other people! I genuinely want to explore different relationship paradigms with him, but I need to do it at a pace that works for me. If I don’t I am selling myself short and not acting on those powerful intuitive feelings I am trying to redevelop. I want my relationships to be based on honesty, and a big part of that is simply being honest with myself.
Any thoughts?
Ok, I just published a post about women, sex, and my own sexual revolution. That got me thinking about the recent conversation between ouroboros and I regarding our poly 
I get sooooo nervous and excited thinking about it!!
We are going to go to a swingers party! The plan is to check it out and not go with any intentions of getting “involved” with anyone. Wow. I get horny just thinking about it…
Like I said, I get nervous when the reality of this situation gets closer… but, how are we to know what to discuss unless we see what this world is really like?
